Saturday, 9 June 2007

Stream of Consciousness

Lets face it; I'm hardly dealing with the break up well. All the time I'm thinking about Katie - because I love her, and everywhere I look I'm reminded of her. Take the local supermarket; I went there with her so many times. Now when I'm in there all I can think about are the memories I shared with her there. It's hard to move on when you've got a constant reminder of what you've lost.

Last night I had a good old natter with my mum about the matter, and you know what? I'm man enough to admit that I cried - for the first time in a month, I cried about the break up and good old mum comforted me. It helped, it really did - but the issues behind the break up still haven't been put to rest, and I doubt they'll ever be.

Today I actually decided to do something about my current (depressed) frame of mind. I got a notepad and opened it up - in work when I had nothing to do - and just started writing. And I didn't stop for a complete hour; never thinking about what I was writing, or re-reading over what was already written. A stream of consciousness written down on paper - exposing things I'd never even realised myself.

Honestly it helped me a lot. It helped to show me a couple of facts that I'd neglected before now - and it also helped me to see that perhaps Katie had a justified reason for breaking up with me. Over 17 months I made a few fatal mistakes; and I can see that now.

Sure I'm still not completely over the hill but I'm getting there. Thing is though, I don't want to move on. I love her still. She was my world, ands I always want her to be. But it's been a month now since the break up. It's about time I started to realise that when she says it's "over" it really is "over". Guess I'm saying I might soon accept defeat.

And that's the scariest thing of all, because I never accept defeat.
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