Tuesday, 30 October 2007

The Night Never Ends

Man, I never thought I'd leave work on Sunday night. Seriously, the manager Sharon had me do an endless array of jobs - the tasks never stopped a coming! Sweep, mop, brush under cupboards, brush under more cupboards. The usual, but so much worse. I'm to blame really; if only I'd worked a little faster earlier on, I might have actually gotten out a little earlier.

I mostly work the closes at work, meaning I finish around 12, 1 or even 2 in the morning, four times a week (Thursday through to Sunday). But I don't mind, because when you're on the close you're generally on your own, and I like that. Ever since Katie dumped me I've withdrawn back into myself a hell of a lot. Once more I'm enjoying the company of me.

Katie opened me up. Before we started dating I never socialised. Not one bit. Infact, our first date was the first time I've ever been out to a cinema with anybody who wasn't a member of my family. Katie introduced me to the idea of connecting with other people, and making friends. That's why I miss her so much, because she was my first, and only, genuine friend.

I still think about her all the time; probably more than she deserves, considering how she chose to end the relationship. The fact remains though that I love(d?) her and she'll always remain a part of my life. But it's almost been six months, and she gave up on me a long time ago. Seriously, apart from one single line conversation back in August, she hasn't spoken to me at all since the break up. She's moved on; as must I.

It's becoming easier now. I no longer 'hate' her for what she did. I can see past that; I recognise she had her reasons, and that - yes - I was a little to blame. I no feel jealous of the people who do get to spend time with her. I no longer feel betrayed. Infact, all I do feel now is a great big pile of regret - that things couldn't have worked out better.

My life is different now, anyroad. I'm a different person; more confident and sure of what he wants. Sure, I'm a little too grumpy for my own good (I figure it's a side effect of heartbreak) but I've matured a hell of a lot too. Unlike three, four or five months ago writing this little 'moanfest' about losing Katie doesn't leave me feeling dead inside.

There's plenty to smile about in my life right now; university, work, writing (specially the 'big three') and my pet dog too. Yep, Willow is sat watching me as I type this, practically begging for me to stroke her and show her a little affection. I can relate to that. It wasn't so long ago that I felt the same way. I loved Katie, and loved her loving me in return.

The night never ends; but at last my eyes are adjusting to the dark.
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