Tuesday, 18 December 2007

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!

I used this blog to talk about change before; specifically how I've changed over the past few months. You'll remember my little sob story about how, after Katie broke up with me, I felt like a changed person. For so long I hated the world, because I felt it'd betrayed me in some way, and that made me grumpy and resentful. I liked being like that, because it meant I didn't have to relate to the world, and the hurt could go on for longer than it needed.

Of course, it was a fake change - one that enforced upon myself. After the break-up I had all these emotions rushing around my brain, and it was hard to think from one moment to the next, so I went on auto-pilot and acted like I thought somebody in my shoes should act. Which is always the worse possible thing to do.

We change as people a little bit every day. It's a slow gradual process, and the journey from A to B can take many days, months or years to complete, and if there's one thing you can't do it's rush the process, because if you do then change will come too fast, and you won't be ready for it.

I tried to change my entire life overnight, back in May after Katie finished with me. I tried to move on from the relationship, by taking down all of the photos we'd emassed over the 18 months we'd dated, by removing all the stuff from my bedroom wall which she'd ever written me (a lot of "I love you" and "you mean so much to me" letters) and by trying to go back to how things were before we ever got together. Big mistake.

By trying to force change so fast, I only made things worse. I forgot who I was, in almost every capcity, because I'd tried to bring change about too fast. I was no longer sure if I was here nor there. All sense of identity was lost, because I didn't have the patience to sit things out and wait for the end result.

Now of course I'm doing just that, and I can see that I've still got a long way to go before I'm over Katie and the relationship we shared. It doesn't help that I love her. But I'm changing slowly; accepting that she's chose to leave my life forever, and I am alone again. I'm learning, ever so slowly, that she ain't coming back - and it's the reason why I'm flirting again, with girls at work and at university; hoping that one day they'll choose me!

So change is a good thing, if it happens in the right way. Don't ever try and force it along, or make it happen when you don't want it to. Enjoy the person you are today, and look forward to who you'll become tomorrow - just don't try and become that person today. There's a reason why the future is a day away; because you've got to live, gain experience, and earn your place in it. Just be you, and somehow change will find you in the most unexpected of ways.

For Sarah C - the girl who wants change (but probably doesn't need it)
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