Tuesday, 11 December 2007

My Everything

It's my experience that nobody understands. Not really. How could they? Loss and grief are very personal emotions and we all go through them in different ways. Hell, every time I've lost a person I know, I've reacted in a completly different way. When Grandad died I was sad, but glad that his suffering was over. When my friend Roger died suddenly last month I was shocked. And when Katie dumped me, I was torn and devestated.

The fact is, I'd built my life around that one girl. Literally everything I did revolved around her - before I spent any money I'd stop and think "what if I don't have enough to take her out next weekend?". She, and "us", came ahead of my individual needs. Whatever she wanted I tried to make sure she got; I tried to be the best boyfriend I possibly could - not just by spending my money, or showing her my love, but by spending as much time as I could with her and showing her how devoted my life was to our relationship and to her specifically.

It is quite funny how much of a parody I've become. People at work joke about how much I go on about Katie and the fact that I miss her. If you're reading this and other blog posts that I've written over the past 7 months then you've no doubt read about the break-up; and you're probably thinking I should move on. Hell, I think I should move on - but for some reason, I consistently can't.

Maybe it's because I look back on my time with Katie as a "golden age" - we were so perfect together; a yin to the other's yang. For all her girlie excesses were my sarcastic and geeky asides. For her beauty was my braun. For my heart was hers. Sometimes I think I'm just being idealistic, at such a relatively young age telling myself I loved her, because that's how I think relationships are supposed to go. But we did love another. We weren't pretending.

Our love was rare, especially for people our age - and I think that's the reason why I can't move on. Because me and Katie were the kind of people who could finish one another's sentences. If I hurt, so did she. I'm hurting now, and somewhere deep down in the back of my head, a little voice - the piece of me that connected to Kate - is telling me she feels the same way.

What's different between me and Kate is that she was the one who broke up with me. I have no power or say over the future of our relationship, whereas she does. If she did feel that way, and was still hurting now, then why doesn't she do what I can't do? Why doesn't she do something about it and get in contact with me?

In reality, I doubt she'd want to get in contact with me now, seven months on. She's moved on; but that voice in the back of my head likes to pretend. It's silly I know, but it can't let go; not as long as there's a possibility of Katie still regretting her choice, and wanting to go back to how things were. I made the girl a promise when we first started dating; I gave her my everything, and promised that I wasn't going anywhere. As long as I think she still might hold out for me, I'll hold out for her.

There's a girl at work who goes to college with Katie and who is in her dance class, and whenever I'm around said girl all I ever want to do is talk to her about Katie - but I don't. I don't have enough confidence; what if she turns my request for information down?

Generally that's how I've lived through this break-up. If I really wanted to I could track Katie down and talk to her; by phone, or letter, or in person, but I'm too polite to do all that. I wouldn't want to get in Katie's way; well perhaps for once I should get in her way and stop being so fucking British about things, and actually confront her.

I should have the balls to at least say what I gotta say.

Yesterday should have been our second anniversary, a day where we'd celebrate our love for one another and exchange gifts. And boy, did I have the perfect present planned. For our first anniversary I'd wrote a book called "Paper Memories" a look back on our first 365 days together in book form, that took me three months to write. The follow up would have been similiar in approach, but would have been written on a daily basis; a diary if you will.

But the celebration never came; my heart tells me it should have done.

Now I'm faced with the possibility that she's moved on from me. I know she has a job now and exam responcibilities coming up. For all I know she's met somebody else and is now his girlfriend, his lover. She could have forgot all about me. But if I know Katie as well as I think I do I don't think she does have a 'somebody else'. I think she's hurting just like me, only she feels more guilt and regret than I could possibly ever imagine - because it was her that decided to end it the way she did.

Of course, she may feel totally liberated right now, free from me and the restrains of a relationship at such a young age. She could be enjoying her life to the full, just like she's always wanted to do. Just like she would do with me.

I think she remembers me in a certain way; the way I used to be. I don't think she realises just how much I've changed, in an attempt to be the Anthony she - and I - always wanted. If she just gave me the opportunity to show her, she'd see that the foolish guy who she broke up with, who took her intentions entirely the wrong way, is gone forever. And he's been replaced by a guy who understands her better than ever before, and isn't mad at all.

Katie doesn't ever read this blog (I think) but I hope that some devine force leads her to reading this blog post. She'll see that I'm a new new me now, and maybe (just maybe) I deserve a second opinion and a potential second chance.

It's Christmas time, and one can dream. One can hope. Because the last thing I ever want to do is let go of Katie Marie O'Donnell, but more and more it's looking likely that I'm going to have to.

Prove me wrong.
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