My monthly comedic rant about the weird and (sometimes) wonderful life that I lead, and everything about it. I write this column thinking you'll laugh yourself silly reading it, but in reality you're more likely to think "Oh my good God, that guy's a complete and utter Tit!". You have been warned. My humour can kill; take in small doses.
THE STENCH OF DRUNKENESS
I've been out the last couple of Wednesdays with friends from work, and the first time I got plastered. But you know about that already, after the blog post I wrote the very next day. In hindsight, much of what I did was pretty silly and there's nobody to blame for my actions but me. Guess I was trying to show off and act the big man in front of my friends!
The next time we went out (last week) I was a little more controlled and didn't drink all night. I still had a fun time. I'm not saying it was great, but it was fun. And I didn't wake up the next day thinking, "I didn't do that did I?" with lots and lots of regret. Which is always a positive.
There's this girl at work, bless her, who I'm told rather likes me (God knows why!) but the thing is this; I don't like her that way, and I don't quite know how to tell her. I tried for a little while saying nothing and trying to act normal around her, but this just encouraged her behaviour, until it got to a point where everybody realised she liked me, and started winding her up.
So I changed my tactic and tried ignoring her (to save her from further embarassment) but this too backfired. Mostly 'cos other people took this as a sign that I must like her, hence why I'd started clamming up around her. Hmm, no. That's definately not the reason!!
Finally, Plan C, I started joking right to her face about the whole thing. Every time I'd see her looking at me, I'd make some silly comment like "Vicky, you love me!" on something - which got me all depressed, because it felt like I was bullying her. And I'm not the sort of person who likes bringing down other people's happiness.
So it's back to square one; do nothing...
Perhaps I should just talk to her and tell her the truth?!
"THE CAMERA MAN"
I got a digital camera for Christmas, and ever since I've been taking photos everywhere I go and then uploading them to my computer afterwards. Thing is, I've taken that many that people are starting to get a little annoyed. I can see it in their faces - everytime I get the camera out there's this look, "Damn, here he goes again!" One of them is going to punch me soon!
TIGHT (HOMOSEXUAL) PANTS
There's this joke at work, about my rather tight pants, which I've talked about in great detail here. But the joke, along with the constant gay/"in the closet" jokes I and others keep making about myself, are staring to wear a little thin. I'm a little tired, frankly, of that particular part of my anatomy being the only thing people discuss.
I'm a serious person deep down, and love nothing more than talking to people about deep, meaningful things - but people at work have gotten that use to the joker side of me that nobody's willing to have a chat with me; because they think I'm building up to a big joke, a cracking punchline, or whatever.
I'd like nothing more than to have a few decent laughs, and to find some new content to make jokes about. Because my buttocks and sexuality aren't funny anymore!
Yep, I've started writing the script, and I've made a lot of progress already. Here's a (brief, and exclusive) extract from the script to episode one:
HORATIO: I still don't see what's wrong with your Mum's cooking. Everytime I've been round, it's always seemed... edible.
FRANK: Yeah, well, it's not. (Pause) And you're only saying that because you fancy her.
HORATIO: Fancy who? Your Mum?
More news on my writing and episode one soon, promise!
Meet you back here next month for more belly laughs...