Thursday, 27 November 2008

The Bastard Essay

Right, so...ummm...you could say university is interesting right now. Of course, 'interesting' isn't exactly the word I'd use - I mean, the place is crazy! I have deadlines coming out of my ears. Not only do I have 15 pages of script to write before noon next Tuesday, but there's a pesky 2,500 word essay waiting also (only that's due in on Monday!!). Honestly have no idea if I can get it all done; I'll be cutting it fine, to say the least.

My main motivation right now is knowing that if I don't get my arse into gear, I'm going to fail. Big time. Me being me, failure isn't an option. It just isn't something I'm willing to face up to. Which means there's no easy way out - no quitting uni, or anything else just as extreme. I gotta see this through to the end; gotta get my ass moving, and some work done.

(It's funny, I'll no doubt read this back next year or in the years to come and laugh at all this, because by then REAL deadlines will be commonplace, and I'll find it hard to understand how I got myself so stressed out over 2,500 words of essay, and 5,000 words of script.)

The script incidentially has evolved so much this last fortnight, it's virtually unrecognisable - but it's all the better because of it. I've met with lecturer Anna Zaluckzowska and talked things through, and we both agreed that initially the structure just wasn't working - so I scrapped the whole fantasy element of the piece and decided to concentrate it all on this one guy's act of revenge, and the consequences for him after he gets it.

It's no longer the idea I set out to make, but for some reason I love it more than ever. Somewhere in that editing process I've learnt some fundermental rules about writing drama, and in the latest draft outline it shows - for the first time ever I have real conflict, and a real sense of a character on a quest. This is a real world, and I constructed it, and it makes perfect sense, and oh-check-me-out!

Right now I'm *supposed* to be working on that film theory essay - based on Steve Neale's work on genre in the 1980's - but thing is, I can't get my head around it. It's not that I don't understand the content of the articles I'm reading (I do) but that I have no idea what I'm supposed to be writing in reply. It'll come to me... it's gotta. For now though, I'm wasting my time online, doing things that don't need to be done just so I don't have to face that pile of film readings in my bedroom, and the call of the bastard essay.

Could always sleep I suppose, but then that's all I've been doing recently, sleeping. Has become my life (but then again I'm a student, so that's allowed). Just feels like I'm wasting my life at the mo... I'm drifting, ya know? Honestly can't wait until uni is over for good and I'm travelling the world. Maybe then I can move forward and stop stalling, or worse still remembering a yesterday that no longer exists.

Anyhoo.... back to that damn essay.

Fuck.
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