Through sickness, I soldiered on and made it to my step-sister Kirsty's party, hosted at a local pub venue to celebrate her approaching 21st birthday. Now, even if I'd been 100% healthy that night, I'm not the biggest party go-er, espcecially if my family are around (mostly because they cramp my style! :P) But in all seriousness, I'm not good at parties, or anywhere that I have to mix socially with others (I'll be just as bad next week at my staff Christmas do) I just clam up, and withdraw inside my shell - if I had a shell, that is!
Instead I fall into a routine. I sit in the corner, or as close to the corner as I can. I let the party go on around me, not a part of it. As the night progresses, my mood drops - that fake smile I might use on you at the start in gone midshift, and eventually I'm looking as grumpy (and dignified) as Victor Meldrew. Not a pleasent sight; and it's no wonder the number of people who come up to me wanting to start a conversation begins to drop dramatically at this point, also.
Then I get tired, and that's the worst part. You see, from there on in all I'm concerned about is getting back home and going to bed, then sleeping. Nothing else matters - not even pleasentries. So this is the part of the night where I appear rude and obnxious, and as if I just wanna run away from you and this whole party thing you've got going on.
(Honest, it's nothing personal!)
Kirsty's party held the same pattern, although this time I did try and make more of a conscious effort. My Aunt was there, with a couple of my older cousins, who I got a decent hour long conversation out of. Honest, I don't think I've ever talked to them for that length of time before. We had a lot to relate to! Think we're closer now than ever before!!
Aside from that, I was still the party pooper. I did indeed sit in the corner. I didn't mix with anybody outside of the family unit (not even the cute girls in attendence there!!). And I categorically did not smile, not once. Not even when invited by Kirsty's Dad - oh dear. Still, that guy is nothing to me, so I don't really care if he thinks I'm rude, or whatever.
Inside, I'm screaming, because I want to break from this routine and have a little fun (honest I do!) but I just can't help myself. Maybe it is the presence of family there - I mean, look at the work's nights out we have, where I do centre myself at the heart of things. Or maybe it's all dependent on how drunk/sober I am/become? Dunno; but when you yourself know that you should probably loosen up a little bit more, you know you're in trouble.
I was about to write "there's always next time' but that's exactly the problem; it's always next time. Why can't I make those changes now, and have a better time because of it?! Stop pushing it back, and just do it!!