Wednesday, 10 June 2009

His Silent Poetry

You know, I came *this* close to deleting this blog entirely. My passion for writing has vanished over the past couple of months, and I have no idea how to reclaim it. The reason? I pitched a radio drama series called The Blaze to a local station, and they accepted my invitation to work with them to make the series. Following that, it all went south as lecturers at university took control and started interfering, to such a degree that I started to resent the show and everything it stood for.

At the minute I have no idea what will happen with regards to the show. I still want to write it and make it a success, but I just don't have the mental energy to fight against the university, who seem so detirmined to stop this in the tracks.

Thing is, this was my last resort. I've lasted two years at Bolton Uni, and during that time they have neutralised my talents and passions. Imagine my writing as a candlelight, it was nearer it's final flickers of life and was almost put out completely, until I stumbled upon this radio series. Now that's started to fall through, the flame feels near-estinguished.

What does that mean? I don't know, but I do know that right now I have absolutely no desire to write anything at all ever again. I don't see myself as a writer anymore. That side of my identity no longer exists. Now it just feels as those I'm pretending.

I have that fucking university to blame. Honest, it's a shithole and I hate everything about it. I resent the lecturers and everything they try to preach to me. All I have left now is hope; that one day it'll end and things will be different, when I'm free from the jail it holds me captive within.

In the meantime I have one more year to sit through, if I can survive that long. Still haven't decided if I'm going back in September. Way I see it though, I've lasted two of the three years - might as well make it the rest of the way (even though my grades suck, because I have no enthusiasm for whatever it is I'm assigned to do).

Before that I have summer all to myself, and so far it's shaping up to be a pretty forgettable experience. I've locked myself away in my bedroom for the last 2 weeks, working my way through my DVD collection (Oz, The Sopranos, The Office, to name but a few). I was hoping to work longer hours at work, but they've really cut down on work hours so I'm working less than before, even. Damn.

I have no idea if this blog will ever return. I had scheduled a return to full time blogging in early July - who knows if that will go ahead. I've just go no idea where I am right now, what I stand for, or even where I'm going next.

The flame flickers out. No more fire, as the poetry grows silent.

***

This was the last post on the original Timespotters/House of Garnon site.
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