Wednesday, 9 September 2009

Love (& All That)

Scary thought, I've been single for a year.

It was this time last year that me and Clare Kelly split, and since then there's been nobody else. That's not through a lack of trying, that's for sure. Remember the girl on the train that caught my eye (and mine, her's)? Or her that I met at the Killers concert in March? Even a few girls from work or university that happened to have gained my attention. None of them, for whatever reason, worked out. So here I am, still living the single life.

Feels weird now, as if I've suddenly forgotten how to do relationships because I haven't been in one for such a long time. I look around, at the people in my life already coupled off, and I don't know how they do it. Honestly, I don't. How they can trust another person like that, or learn to love somebody else, even despite all their flaws. Maybe the last few relationships, and the subsequent break aways, have left me overly cynical? Maybe.

Perhaps I never really knew how to be like that, and was pretending all along. Sometimes I think that. It's like all the time I spend with any girl I've dated (pick one at random) has been me just trying to be what I thought they expected. That's applies even more so with Clare; always felt I had something to live up to not only in her eyes, but mine. So what, I'm a great big pretender - aren't we all?

Question is, pretending or not, did I actually love the girls? Hmm, that's a tricky one. I'd (pardon the pun) love to say yes, but I'm not so sure anymore. I definitely thought I loved them during the periods we dated; but thinking something isn't always the same as actually living it.

Now, I'd want a relationship that was far, FAR simplier. None of this "I love you... but it's complicated" malarky. I'd want it much more back to basics, to the point where we wouldn't feel the need to see each other, or ring/email every day. We'd be free individuals, exploiting a connection made between the both of us. Sex needn't factor in for a while, because of everything, it's the number one cause of complications. It'd seem a much more child like idea of love, and I like that - because in the past, aged 17/18/whatever, I've tried being too grown up about it all - and it doesn't work. You just end up so unhappy, trapped in a relationship and wanting desperately to get out of it.

Think that's a reason why I'm single right now; I'm none too fussed about it all. Sure, I'd rather have somebody in my life - but my heart of hearts isn't ready. I need the 'me' time, to fully recover from everything that's gone before. Yes, it's been a year already, but it doesn't feel like that's enough. Still need more time. How much, I dunno. Just... more.

When I'm ready, I'll know it. I'll not only want a relationship, but I'll be willing to start one, and they'll be an excitement, and a readiness to embrace life with another human being.

Another scary though... I might even enjoy it, and find peace within myself again. Maybe even come to terms with my aggravations towards love, and all that. Again with the maybe, this time with an added dash of hopefully added in for good effect too.

Time will tell. That it will.


A shout out to a certain Miss Sammie Goss, who has sneakily been reading this lil' blog of mine. Hope you had a good time fooooking Prawn hunting before!
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