Tuesday, 15 September 2009

Secure in my Insecurities

I'm 20 years old, and panic about the future. It's a big blank canvas, that somebody expects me and everybody else in my generation to step up and fill; but what if I can't meet that expectation? If I'm not talented enough, or strong enough? What then? And what about if I don't make it? Will knowing I failed eat me up for the rest of my life?

Of course it isn't just the future that I find myself worried about. I'm insecure in so many ways, and about so many things. Take girls:

+ Why don't they notice me?
+ Why don't they want to be with me?
+ Do they think I'm good looking (and if not, why not)?
+ Why am I so terrible at flirting/dating/etc?

These insecurities are maintained in my mind 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I just wish there was a way to jetison them completely, and to live a life free of worry and doubt.

Maybe it's what attracts me to writing - the fact that I have absolute control over a fictional universe. Beyond my writing ability, I have no worries with regard to this world, or its people. I know my place perfectly. I am the 'God' of everything within, and nobody questions me, or doubts me, and I have a freedom to do whatever the Hell I like.

It's an interesting theory, but it doesn't help me overcome my own insecurities in real life; because when I do stop writing, I revert back to that nervous and awkward guy I am in the real world - who has those girl troubles, who worries about the future, who thinks he isn't good enough and who wants, desperately, to overcome these feelings... but doesn't ever think he will.

Because he's insecure like that.

***

There's a girl at work, bless her, who's quite possibly the most insecure person you're ever likely to meet. If she's required to do something, you can be sure as Hell she'll ponder her ability to do it, or become all meek and ask if it actually does need to be done, or if it can be avoided. She makes me laugh, being more insecure than I ever possibly could be. It's quite cute, in a way.

***

Phone call from Lisa at university (who took me for editing classes in the 2nd year). Apparently classes and inductions begin again NEXT WEEK - a whole week earlier than I thought. Holy crap! Haven't wrote a single word of The Blaze over summer (was supposed to have drafted 10 scripts...) so I don't know what I'm going to do there. Hmm... think it's possible to write 10 scripts in 7 days? ;)
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