Disappointment. There's nothing quite like it.
If there's one sensation we should fully prepare ourselves for growing up, that's the one. It hits you time after time, and exactly where it hurts most of all.
Think about all of the disappointments you've faced during your life, from Christmas presents, to that person you fancied for so long, but the feeling wasn't mutual. We set ourselves up for it in so many ways, but that doesn't make it any less upsetting or damn right annoying when it occurs.
Oh boy, did I set myself up for it this week. Not only did I pitch to the BBC, with only a slight chance of winning a 4 week work placement there, but I went telling everybody I could about it - either in person, or through this blog & Facebook. So today, finding out that I infact didn't get the placement, it dug deep - because I'd demonstrated I'd wanted it, and by doing that I only set myself up for a fall when that want became a desire I couldn't forfill.
You ask yourself if the risk is worth taking. Do you tell Girl X you like her, and face the possibility of her laughing in your face? Course you do, because you want something better for yourself, and even though you know the consequences of what might happen, you see past that and see just the prize itself. So you tell the girl; and she either does or doesn't laugh.
And you cross your fingers, hoping her answer won't crush you.
Am I glad I made the pitch? Absolutely, if for no other reason than how confident I was throughout it - I'll take that away from the excercise, and can tick off the relevant 'can do this' on my list of things to learn.
Am I happy at who won the placement? Yes! Two of my friends, both of whom deserve to go far. I'd never dream of taking victory away from them. I smile, genuinely happy for them, knowing just how great a prize they just caught.
Am I disappointed? Beyond measure. It's not solely a case of 'it should have been me' because I can see how great some of the other pitches were, and I can't argue with the eventual choice of winners. But man, it'd have been so fantastic to say that I'd gone up there, and I'd done it (right). Now I can't, and neither can I say I have a fantastic opportunity opening up for me at the BBC. Still, as a friend of my prescribed tonight, I might not have won this race, but there's plenty more to compete in - and eventually, if I play strong enough, a victory will fall upon me.
Until then, it's time to face the disappointment of not winning, knowing that I had every chance to. It's disappointment because I'd dreamt so long and hard about winning, and having its prize.
I'm working on a new radio project. It's a one hour drama (maybe) that will transmit at Christmas (finger crossed) and is about a Children's ward in a hospital... or a homeless shelter... or a Santa's Grotto where pretend-Santa is infact a great big Scrooge.
One of the above, definitely.
Also: Still chipping away at that Blaze pilot script. Updates soon, promise!
Should I be worried that two books I won on eBay over a fortnight ago still haven't arrived? Hmm... they better soon, or...or...
Well you could say I'd be a little-