Saturday, 28 November 2009

Don't Make Me Laugh!

Some funny stories that have happened to me recently (or, basically an excuse to write one of these things really, really fast because I've got to go out soon and haven't the time to write anything deep or meaningful):

1: Family Fortunes

I've already told you about this; a staff event I'm planning for next February, based around ITV's long running Family Fortunes series. Of course, we all know the format - one question, which 100 answer in a survey. Right, so we need a survey. Well, check, got that. I've started sending it out to people - which is where things get decidedly fishy...

One of the questions is "Name a body part you have more than two of". Simple enough, yes? Well you'd think. Half the answers have come back as something sensible like fingers, or toes... but then there's a bizarre phenomenon occuring. Half those that had replied to the survey haven't answered one of those more sensible (right) answers. So what have they put?

Things like arms, legs, eyes and - most embarrassingly - nose.

Oh dear.

It means we probably won't be able to use that question in the quiz now.


2: The Reversing Fat Lady

Watched the film Paranormal Activity at work the other day. Aside from being creepy as Hell, the experience left me in stitches. Not because of the movie - but something that happened in the auditorium during it.

I arrived a little late (as my shift didn't exactly finish on time) so instead of commuting through dozens of people to get my ideal seat, slap bang in the middle of the screen, I settled for a seat right at the back - close to the doors. It proved a fascinating vantage point for what was about to happen...

About halfway through the film those doors opened, and a fat woman on those mobile chair devices comes in with what I can only presume was her other half. At the top of her voice (!) she screams to him to find the disabled bay - disturbing the entire screen in the process. I quickly realise she's here for the next performance, and has arrived early!

Anyhoo, she finds the bay - but the screen is on a slope (no stadium seating at Vue Bury!!) and her breaks don't seem to be working - so this fat woman starts slipping down the slope! With all her might, and causing a God-awful amount of noise, she begins to reverse her mobile cart, which makes the sound that HGVs make when traveling backwards-

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!

And away she goes, as an usher comes inside to tell her that she's arrived too early, and asks if she can wait outside.

After she goes, somebody in the audience shouts out at the top of their voice, summing up the whole experience:

"Stupid fat bitch!"

Oh, how we laughed.

3: Trophies

I'm in the middle of sending off for several trophies, having them engraved as I go. They're for the staff Christmas party in December, but the whole thing is cursed, because half the trophies are coming back with the wrong engravings put upon them!

One of them is suppose to read:

"Vue Cinemas Bury, The So & So Award 2009, Winner's Name"

Instead it reads:

"Vue Cinemas, Bury the So & So, Award 2009, Winner's Name"

I contacted the seller and they told me the reason for this is that the engraver is a Dutch lady, who doesn't have the best handle on English grammar...

Needless to say, when I kicked up a fuss they were more than happy to send me a replacement!

4: Twilight Fan

Actual dialogue from an advance showing of Twilight Saga's New Moon:

(Bit of background, my cinema had a midnight showing on day of release at 12:01am - which was that popular that a second showing was added at 12:15am)

GIRL: Hey, is this screen ready yet?
ME: 'Fraid not. Last showing hasn't finished.
GIRL: When can we go in?
ME: It's hard to say - there's a queue already forming for the 12:01 showing, mind.
GIRL: Yeah, that's me.
ME: No, says here you're in the 12:15 show.
GIRL: What?! No! I asked for 12:01.
ME: That one has sold out.
GIRL: I don't care, that's the one I'm supposed to be watching.
ME: I'm sorry.
GIRL: Swap it for me.
ME: Again, can't. It's sold out.
GIRL: But... you have to! There's no way I'm watching the 12:15 show.
ME: I'm afraid you'll have to.
GIRL: No! Nobody is seeing this film 14 minutes before me.
ME: It's only 14 minutes.
GIRL: I don't care. I'm not going home tonight knowing that a group of people saw it before I did.
ME: Well, for your information we had a staff showing 24 hours ago.

That's Twilight fans for you!

5: Met Inspectors

Last but not least, a story involving everybody's favourite - ticket inspectors! So, we're on the scavenger hunt last week, and my team needs only find a photo of a metrolink ticket inspector to gain 100 points. We jump on a metro tram to desperately try and find them... suddenly realising that, actually, I don't have a valid ticket - so if we *do* find them, I'll be in a whole heap of trouble!

Luckily we didn't find any met inspectors on that particular metro. Later on we tried to photograph one of them at the Victoria station... and the camera didn't work!

It meant we missed out on the 100 points - which cost us the game!

Not good, not good!
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