Friday, 21 September 2012

Disconnected

I don’t know what’s happening with me. I seem to be having some sort of crisis of confidence.

When I moved to London back in October 2010, I was on top of the world. I had a new city, and new opportunities to explore. Anything could happen – it was all open to me.
Two years on, I don’t know where I belong anymore.
More and more I’m thinking about leaving the cinema. It’s not fun for me anymore, and neither is it a challenge. I work at the busiest site, and the flagship, of the whole company – after this, what can compare? But that’s the choice I’m stuck with, as I decide where to go next.
There was a manager’s position available at the site across the road – but I neglected to apply for it, because, in truth, I don’t know if I still want it.
As I press on with life, my mind resets back to Manchester – the family I have there, and the opportunity of working at Media City, which I miss living in London.
Add on that I don’t think I’ve made a great impact in London. The only friends I’ve made are either a) work friends, or b) people I knew in Manchester already. I don’t see too much of the city, because in truth, I work too much and it gobbles up my social life.
I’ve said in previous posts that Manchester and London are two completely different beasts, and it’s true.
So I feel ‘disconnected’ from everything; work, family, friends. The only thing that seems to have benefited in my moving to London is my writing – but I question even this. I think it improved all on its own, away from uni and out of distractions I faced in my family house. Perhaps its improvement here in London is just coincidence?
It’s hard to put into words what I’m feeling. It’s terrifying, not knowing what’s coming up for me, or what decisions I should make. I can’t ask people either, because they’re all terribly biased. Of course family will say move back up North, and people at work will insist that London is the place I should be.
Do I think I have a long term future in the capital? No – but I’m open to one if my career pans out. I’d happily stay here if I had a job at the BBC or some other noteworthy media outlet.
How to connect with the world again? I dunno – I’ve always been somewhat of an odd character, defying most expectations and behaviours. I’m a bit of a loner, so there’s always a part of me that will remain disconnected. The bit that can connect, however, could probably benefit from more friends, and more social interactions outside of work. Too often I’m either at work, or at home on my own watching DVDs. At least in Manchester I had family to ‘socialise’ with.
I’m not quite sure what else is open to me. Hence my ‘crisis’.
It’s scary and frustrating.
For the time being, I sign out with a very apt message to myself:
“Keep Calm & Carry On”
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