I’ll hide this blog entry for a while, until things have cooled down somewhat. So hello if you’re (finally) reading this in the future. Sorry I couldn’t post it straight away, but as you’ll see there’s things in here that are highly sensitive, and things that it’s probably best left unsaid until some considerable time has passed.
Today at work I had to write a statement, about the behaviour and performance of a senior figure in my management team.
This person hasn’t performed well, and I’ve treated it as a joke. They’ve been sexist, and racist, and every other ‘ist’ you could want to list. They act in a very bizarre fashion, and I laugh it off – or make jokes to the other managers, so that they ultimately laugh about it.
What I haven’t done is told my General Manager. That meant that today, at the meeting, when quizzed about this somebody I revealed all, for the first time, for my GM’s ear.
They weren’t impressed.
Not only had I acted very immaturely in taking the mickey out of this figure, but I’d with held the information; that could have been used to manage this person out of the business (potentially).
My GM’s exact wording to me was I’d gone down in his estimated. I got the feeling he’d lost respect, and trust. He certainly wasn’t the same with me for the rest of that shift.
Was it deserved?
In part, yes. I was acting stupid, for so long, that it was bound to catch me out in the end. Then again, everything I’d said in relation to the individual in question was true. They really are like that; it’s not like I’ve made up that he or she is acting strangely, when in fact they are not.
At the end of the day, I’m being paid to be a professional – and professional I was not. I don’t think anything os ever as clear cut as black or white, good or bad, right or wrong, so there’s an indecision on my behalf as to whether this, my statement, was worthwhile. Of course, I had no choice in submitting it – but the drama it will have caused could have been avoided.
I do feel horrible right now. Guilty, for the person I was talking about in the statement – their job could be on the line. Guilty, for me, because I’ve let myself and my GM down.
There’s also a fear, that there could be repercussions. Will I get into trouble now? I very well could do – I;m sure if my GM really wanted to, he could pin something on me with regards to the case. Then there’s my colleague – there’s no telling how they’ll react when they discover I’ve made a statement (cushioned over by the fact that ALL of the management team have done so).
But like I said previous, there’s a nagging feeling that all of this needn’t have happened. If there’s a lesson to learn it’s this: Having a laugh is fine – but if you play with matches, expect to get burnt by the flame.
I’m off to bed. I’ve no idea how this ‘story’ will progress during the days ahead…