Tuesday, 27 August 2013

No Future For Us

Somehow, I always return to this blog.

I've used it before to discuss break-ups. They're like those old Pokémon moves - the Seismic Toss; total destruction, inflicting both Pokémon with equal damage.

It's happened again.

This time her name was Tohko, and I alluded to her very briefly back in my last blog post in April this year. She's nigh-on 22 years old,  graphic design student, and an employee of mine (hence the cloak and daggers about the whole thing - infact, as she still works with me, I guess this post will stay on 'draft' form until we've both long since left West End cinema. If you're reading this, no doubt lots of time has passed) We'd been dating since April 5th, and broke up two days ago August 25th.

Why?

She said she didn't think I was right for her, and she wanted somebody she had more in common with (I'm paraphrasing). I'm not angry; she's an adult, and knows what she wants. It obviously isn't me, and although I've loved the past few months with her, I'm not prepared to argue something to her that she simply doesn't believe in.

She's a great girl, and I'm sad it's over - but this isn't the first time this has happened to me, and I'm no longer naïve as to what happens next. I think that's the saddest part - knowing that I probably won't talk to her again, and have to miss out on that future I thought we had.

A curious thing, though - it's been the most adult relationship I've ever had, and I miss her in a way I haven't missed an ex-girlfriend before. More than Katie, more than Clare - it's the person I miss. All those cheeky mannerisms and such. All those conversations where I wasn't always right, or where I got to prove neither was she.

I think she's wrong, by the way. We were a great coupling. Not immediately one you could see forming, but when we did get together - wow!  A shame she doesn't feel the same way.

I'm curiously more optimistic than I have been about other break-ups. This time, it doesn't feel as though I'm in the wrong (she just didn't feel the same way about me as she hoped she did at the start) so there's no lingering guilt. Plus we ended on pretty amicable terms - even if I did get a little stroppy at a couple of occasions, but I think you're allowed that when your girlfriend is dumping you!

Realistically, she's the only ex I can imagine a future with - maybe not the one I had hoped for when we were in a relationship, but a deeper one than that, as friends. It might happen. I don't know. It's still too early to tell.

So there we are - the immediate fallout.

Goodbye Tohko. Genuinely, I'll miss you.
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