It's 3am. What am I still doing up?
More to the point, I'm still at work - what am I doing here?!
I finished a while ago. Well, almost. I still have a few things left to tie up, but this after hours venture onto the internet is allow me to download the newly discovered episodes of Doctor Who (The Enemy of the World/The Web of Fear).
I'm tired - not just physically, but emotionally too. I can't carry on like this - work is taking its toll on me, and more than ever there's that feeling looming over me that I'll be resigning soon.
Speaking to the gf on the phone earlier, she feels the same - as if this place is a poison, changing us; forcing us to act in ways we don't agree with at all. She's right. It is.
My meltdown (this time) comes from how those around me see me. I don't think the team members who report to me view me in much of a professional light. To them I'm a joke in a cheap suit. Can't blame them. It's a shitty company that doesn't invest in people - or payroll. Often I'm tasked to do things that actually two or even three people should be doing. Because I do it solo, the work suffers.
I'm still young too, but nobody gets much time these days to direct me, and nurture me. It's pretty much self guess work as to what I need to be doing, and getting on with it.
That tiredness throws me off course, too. I don't often get to think straight, because my brain - so deprived of regular sleep - doesn't know how to anymore. I need a pattern, and I need a 'normal' amount of sleep each night. Almost 7 years of close after close (sometimes as late as 4am; or 6am back in the days I worked at Westfield) I realise just what it does to your health.
Can I improve my image to others? Of course, with a big push from myself - but I just don't have it in me anymore. Years ago I did, but I'm burnt out and after escape.
I should focus on the other things in my life - like my gf, and the scripts I should be writing.
Why aren't I writing them, again? A completely separate meltdown in action right there!!!
My download is complete.
My meltdown isn't.