I AM A VAMPIRE!
EXT. SUBURBIAN STREET – NIGHT
An ordinary street, in darkness – save for a streetlamp up ahead, lighting a tiny patch of its surrounding area.
Seconds pass, before:
There’s the distant SFX of approaching footsteps. Normal pace.
Eventually, somebody appears in shot; a woman, MARIA, walking home. She’s in her twenties, returning from her middle management job so is smartly dressed, classy, organised, with a handbag over one shoulder.
Music: Slight, hinting of an evil to come…
I am a creature of the night. I am a
bringing of darkness, and utter despair. I
live in the shadows… and I wait for you
there – because I am all your worst fears
realised. I am twisted, and wicked, and
plenty evil. Are you scared yet? You should
MARIA looks around herself, paranoid, suspecting somebody of watching…
Perched in the bushes at the side of the street is WHEELER – a man both young and old, who’s dangerously pale white skin and cape are a curiosity. He’s watching MARIA, almost licking his lips (but somehow resisting the urge to do so).
His mouth opens, ready. There are long fangs there…
TITLES – I AM A VAMPIRE!
MARIA jumps, as she hears something behind her.
She turns, and sees WHEELER in the bushes – making a somewhat botched attempt to get up, to get at her…
Regardless, MARIA screams and then runs fast, and EXITS the street.
WHEELER meanwhile is still struggling to get to his feet. When he does, he pulls his back, and grumbles.
I’m also 910 years old. Not quite as young,
or as nibble, as I use to be.
He flaps his hand, in a sulk, and walks back in the opposite direction that MARIA ran, painfully.
INT. WHEELER’S HOME – KITCHEN/LIVING AREA - NIGHT
A typical London bedsit, but dressed in a somewhat faux gothic manner, with lots of black, and burning candles.
There’s pin-ups and clippings of famous Film and TV vampires on a small section of the wall, from across the years.
On the kitchen table are a number of half read books, including an old edition of Bram Stoker’s Dracula.
WHEELER sits at the table, pouring himself corn flakes.
I am the Prince of Darkness! (beat) And I’m
reduced to this.
He moves across to the fridge, and extracts a 4-pint carton of what should be white milk… but is instead a red substance.
He pours it onto the corn flakes, and suddenly it becomes clear what that the red stuff is…
Still, blood is blood.
It falls out of the carton thick, and gloopy.
Before WHEELER tucks in, his fangs are visible again…
He takes a bite of the cereal:
A sour expression, suddenly, on his face.
He goes to take another spoonful…
That same expression again.
INT. WHEELER’S HOME – BEDROOM – NIGHT
WHEELER sleeps in a make shift coffin.
An overhead view of him, as he wakes suddenly, panicked…
INT. WHEELER’S HOME – BATHROOM – NIGHT
WHEELER runs inside, and kneels at the toilet.
Before he does anything else, fast, he pulls out his fangs and rests them on something – a book – next to the toilet.
Without the fangs… he has normal teeth like you or me…
Suddenly, he explodes vomit into the basin.
After a while, he stops, relived.
He turns, and wipes his head. As he does so, he wipes away some of the pale white that was on his head. It exposes a more normal, human colour skin underneath.
The camera creeps in on him, and then on his fangs beside him.
They rest upon a book; the title of which becomes clearer as the camera grows nearer to it.
Finally, the camera stops moving, allowing us to read the title of the book properly:
“Method Acting For Dummies”
End of credits sting:
INT. WHEELER’S HOME – KITCHEN/LIVING AREA – NIGHT
A recovered WHEELER goes about cleaning up his room – ripping the clippings off his wall, and throwing his vampire inspired books away inside a black book.
As he does so:
In the sink area, a funnel lies discarded, and un-cleaned. It’s still covered in traces of the red sticky substance.
Next to it is a commercial red bottle: Fake blood, the sort on sale every Halloween.
WHEELER grabs at it, and throws it into the black bag, too.
Copyright (c) Anthony Garnon, 2013.