A couple of months I read some old Facebook messages back, and they depressed me. They were sent to an ex of mine, back in 2008 - and they are horrible. They are at the same time patronising, ignorant, selfish, opinionated and unbearable in tone. I should add that all of that came from me. My ex, Clare, was an innocent receiver of such abuse.
Then I read some old emails back - specifically some relating to a university film project I was the producer for. There are a group of email conversations between myself, the writer of the piece, and its directors saved onto my Hotmail. Again, I'm a horrible monster.
The worst thing about both examples is not just that I wrote them... but I forgot I wrote them.
Going back to the ex-gf Facebook messages, we have a full blown argument within them (days after our break-up) and by the end of it I've made a girl who previously loved me, hate me. Yet, I had completely forgotten the conversation ever took place.
Tonight I've read some more archived Facebook messages - and I'm embarrassed just knowing that I wrote them. Some date back to 2007; and by God, what a jerk I was.
In one, I message an old college classmate after running into her one night at a bar. It wreaks of desperation (yes, I had a crush on her) and it's no wonder she didn't message me back.
I have to ask; is that the guy I am, or at least was - the jerk?
Right now, I think my self confidence is at an all time low. Work is getting to me, more so than ever before, and I'm still recovering from a break up. I feel like I have no real identity. Scratch that, it's a lie. I don't think I have a positive identity.
People at work, whether fellow managers or the staff, all think I'm an idiot. Nobody trusts me with anything. A girl I really liked dumped me because (she won't admit this, but I think it's true) I'm not good enough for her. Hell, even my writing is failing me.
I think that's why these old messages depress me so. They are a reminder of that jerk-nature that lies within me, and they sorta confirm all those bad things that people might think of me.
Yes, I need to cheer up a little - that much is true - but I guess I also need to delete what went before, and start afresh. Clearly some histories bring us down, and prevent us from moving forwards.