I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that I'm a wee depressed at the moment, and even though I can't quite put my fingers on all the reasons why... I have an idea about one thing that's causing these feelings.
My life is lived in a constant state of being let down, or the embarrassment of me letting others down.
Work is a constant source of this. Plenty of people there know their responsibilities completely, and yet still fail to act. As a manager - their manager - I'm held accountable. Now, that would be fair if the job was what it should be. Naturally it isn't. We're constantly understaff, and made to carry the work of two or more people. When things go wrong, as they predictably will under those circumstances, it's frustrating. It's horrible then when the very people who chop those hours, and drop those vital personal, then visit site and bollock us remaining because things aren't done to the same standards as before.
I get then why staff can't fulfil their duties fully, but that doesn't explain why half the time they simple choose to ignore a simple request - or worse, choose the easiest and laziest option over the tried and tested patterns.
Then other managers can't seem to help me out either. I run the Retail department; but others are loathe to help me in its management. When we transfer stock between sites, people can't or won't send the relevant paperwork across. Stock invoices are not inputted onto the computer system. It's fair to say that things have improved recently, but still that nagging sense of being on my own, through other's letting me down continues.
Away from work, there's ex-girlfriends. Katie, Tohko - both now strangers to me, when meeting them promised so much good. Katie's history now, and I'm over it - but Tohko is still raw in my mind. At the moment she's at a terrible phase of sending half arsed text messages to me (when she does return my messages...) I can't put my finger on why. It's not as if I dumped her. After the break-up I was very careful not to repeat the same mistakes I made with Katie, so didn't text anything I'd later regret. But still, we've entered an awkward phase, and one I'm not sure there's any chance of returning from. She's chosen to be all half-arsed with me, and in doing so has neglected what was left of our friendship. In other words, again, I've been let down.
Then there's other friends who I try and contact but don't hear back from. I ask myself if I've done something to annoy them, but then I tell myself off, because why does it have to be my fault all of the time?! Why can't I accept that sometimes it's other people who are the bad guys...
What then of my letting down others?
Well, there's lots of ways, I'm sure - and I'm both guilty, and feeling guilty about all of them. Whether it's promises broken, or working my staff team too hard. I commit to writing, but then it doesn't materialise. I try to be nice, but in an awkward sort of autism-like behaviour, I am cold and distant. I spend too much time talking about myself. I don't listen half the time. I joke, no matter how serious.
People say that's the way of the world these days. We're busy, and we should accept that we may upset a few people or ruffle feathers as we go about our lives.
I say, why? Can't we all be nice, and more importantly, better people?*
*And that criticism is labelled at myself, too...