Saturday, 22 March 2014

The Journey Away

It ended May 7th 2007.

May 2007: It ends suddenly, and at the time I'm not sure why. Her name isn't important here; but the fact that we're young, and both in love for the first time is. At 'zero point' I scramble about, desperate to fix things. At first, my handiwork looks like it might be paying off - I convince her, even if only a little, that her dumping me might be wrong. But then I take bad advice, and it pushes her away.

June 2007: damage control. I've ruined whatever chances I had of getting back with her, but can't accept that as fact. I'm still trying to contact her, a whole month on , but she isn't interested anymore. I struggle to adjust to life without her in it, and sometimes can't see anyway on - that light at the end of the tunnel. However, go on I do...

July-December 2007: I spend lots of time talking to others about her, trying to figure out why we broke up, and the extent of which I was to blame. My friends get bored of listening, and their advice stops coming from the heart, but a frustration for me to shut the fuck up about a lost girlfriend. I don't, and continue to drone on! My mind is poisoning itself, and I relish it, because I feel guilty and want to hurt myself for it.

2008: I date somebody new, who is different to the girl we're talking about. This new relationship lasts 6 months, before it too ends. Except, when this new one does , it doesn't hurt half as much as the first break-up faced in 2007. That about sums up this new relationship up; it's half as important as what I had before. I'm frustrated by this, and question why I don't love my new girlfriend have as much as the prior. I blame myself for allowing the pain from one relationship to destroy another.

2009: I'm single, and prefer to stay that way. After all, I'm not over my first girlfriend yet. If I get with anybody else... Will my angst for what I lost in 2007 taint what I have in the now?

2010: I leave Manchester for London, and I'd be lying if I said a little part of that decision wasn't down to my still broken heart. Just being around the same places we used to spend together was playing on my conscious and subconscious. There were little, constant reminders of what I'd lost. I had to break free.

2011: A new city, and a new me. I'm ready for a new girlfriend, but I'm too busy at work to get one. I still have feelings for the first girlfriend - although miles away from her, it's easier to forget, easier to heal. I start to check up on her Facebook, and it's great seeing those rare glimpses of her through new profile pictures. I wonder what she's up to, am upset she's up to it without me , but for the first time properly accept that's it's over.

2012: I don't think about her often, but check up every few weeks (or months) on her Facebook. Now I'm doing more out of a frustration that I don't have my own 'somebody' in my life (and she does) rather than me searching her out, specifically. Still, I make contact with her in early December, when I realise she has unblocked me on Facebook for the first time. I ask myself why she would do that, and check Google for potential answers. She doesn't reply, and blocks me again. I tell myself that was her last chance, that she's just being a mean-spirited person right now. Once burnt, twice shy and all.

2013: I enter my first relationship since 2008, and it means a lot to me. Finally, with this girl I feel like nobody but her matters, and so I'm free and away (at last) from the legacy of 2007.

Now: I'm single again, but that's OK. There's no angst this time, for any ex. I'm free, and happy - ready this time for whatever comes next, and waiting...
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