Friday, 2 May 2014

Katie [A STREAM OF CONSCIOUS THOUGHT - 2007]

I found this whilst looking through my old emails.

It was written on 9th June 2007, and afterwards I wrote this blog entry about it.

Ah, the memories...

The pain of my break-up with my first girlfriend Katie was still quite raw here.

***

Right now my heart is breaking because the relationship is over. Guess I thought it would last forever: after all we’d been dating for seventeen months straight. What could possibly go wrong?

Now that’s not to say that I didn’t think the relationship had its faults, because sometimes it felt a little un-even, like one was contributing more than the other. And we had a lot of arguments – small ones, but all the same they were arguments (mostly about really petty things, too.)

Every time we finally ended an argument I still didn’t feel a sense of closure on the matter – as if she hadn’t opened up completely and told me everything that was on her mind.

And that was the thing, Katie was a very closed person overall. I had to drag information out of her. Even when I knew I’d done wrong, she’d insist she was fine, and I’d hate it ‘cos my own girlfriend wasn’t opening up.

In the end she blamed it on a lack of trust; that last year I’d betrayed her to watch “Doctor Who” on a Saturday night for 13 weeks on the trot. So when I “forgot” to tell her about my job interview she claimed that history was indeed repeating itself. Guess it’s my own fault for leaving early to watch “Doctor Who” every Saturday. I had it coming in the end.

But thing is, I worked hard to prove to her that I was a changed man, and she now meant more to me than some silly BBC One sci-fi show, but I guess it was to no avail.

After the initial “aww, that’s sweet” factor wore off, I never felt she was truely happy with me missing “Doctor Who” this year. It was like, I don’t know... too little, too late?

And even then she’d roll her eyes every time I mention “Doctor Who” – not physically, but I knew inside she was screaming out “Oh please! Shut the fuck up about Doctor Who!”

That’s why she lacked interest when I showed her my name in that Torchwood book – I don’t think she was exactly proud. More mystified as to why I’d spend all day writing about a show called “Torchwood”!

I like to think that she was upset, but deep down she was immensely proud of me. Guess I’ll never know, which kinda pisses me off, ‘cos this uber-strong relationship seemed to fizzle out, and I’ll never know why.

She won’t text or email me in any great detail anymore, or when she does it’s simply “friend talk”. As much as I see her as a friend, I’d much rather her as a girlfriend, and that’s the reason why I won’t conform to her being my friend – ‘cos the second I do that I’m admitting that the relationship we knew is dead and buried, and now all that remains are two friends.

But she’s more than a friend to me. She’s the only *person* that I’ve ever fully connected to and wanted in my life. As a child I was so lonely and unlovable and, frankly, weird. It’s a wonder I’m still standing. But here was a girl who actually liked me as a person. She’s seen me in this play we did together, and she liked what she saw personality-wise.

Oh, and she totally fancied my socks off.

And she in turn was hot, and I fancied her! You know how often that’s happened; that I’ve liked a girl and she’s liked me back? Precisely twice in my entire life – and the second girl only admitted her feelings after I got with Katie – when I wasn’t interested anymore.

Why would I be? For fuck’s sake, she’s perfect. Looks-wise (which is so shallow of me) she’s gorgeous. I love her eyes, and how they always seem to shine no matter what she’s doing.

Her bum is the best bum I’ve ever seen! I mean I could look at it all day and never get bored, which isn’t surprising ‘cos I’ve always been a bit of a bum man! But her bum is so pert and perfectly shaped. When she wears jeans it looks extraordinary. When she wears black school pants; man she’s on fire! There’s no better sight in the entire world. I can’t help but pinch it!

There’s also something strangely cute about her face. I mean this in the nicest possible way, but she reminds me of a hamster who’s stuffed his face with food. Adorable! lol – Oh, and if we ever have kids, I’d pray to God the kids got her nose not mine, ‘cos Katie’s got this very swell and average nose – unlike my own conker!

When we first started going out I was so curious to see her naked I rushed things a little. You see, I so desperately wanted to see what a naked girl looked like. And boy, I loved naked Katie so much!

I was a little sad though that I’d rushed to the naked point – I guess the demands of the inner-male came first. Katie deserved better I guess. But I have to say our first time making love was perfect. I spent a while kissing her vagina (which in design was so magnificent – I loved it) and her breasts too.

I always figured that the lady demands most respect. For years I’d heard tales about women who’d never had an orgasm, so I was detirmined that with me it would be different. I would satisfy my girlfriend, and I wouldn’t ever become like every other guy on the planet.

That’s why I treated her every opportunity I got. Not ‘cos I had to, but ‘cos I wanted to. On every date, provided I had the money, I’d treat her to something special – whether that was me paying for our date, or buying her a magazine, or whatever. I figured the only type of boyfriend worth being is “the world’s best boyfriend.”

This required my full attention, 24/7. ‘Cos the minute you become complacent is the minute you lose the battle. Which is why I gave this relationship my all, every second of every day. I invested so much in it.

I wasn’t just dating this girl, I was maturing her – preparing for the day we move in together and have kids. Perhaps then this was another downside to the relationship? We were always planning the long game, planning for the future and sometimes failing to live for the day.

I know I restricted her doing several things during our time together, like going out on a Thursday night to the clubs in Bury, and in the end this came back to bite me on the arse.

Why did I do it, time and again? Well I figured that if she went out she’d think to herself “me and Anthony are different. Look, he doesn’t even want to go out!” Also, I’m not mad keen on drinking. Guess it’s a side effect of my dad being an alcoholic?

And that’s one area where we differ, because Katie increasingly wanted to drink and have a good time. All she wanted to do in those nighclubs was dance and have fun, but I was so paranoid she’d hook up with some other guy, or she’d be raped, that I failed to see that all she wanted to do was have a good time. Nothing else.

She did something I never did; she let her hair down a little. She could handle the day to day seriousness of a long term relationship, but at the same time she could have a little fun – whereas I couldn’t.

The longer we went out, the more serious I got, because the more serious I wanted this relationship to work and was scared it wouldn’t. If only I’d realised that it was working and stopped worrying so much.

I could have actually had a lot more fun and made Katie happier, because she’s such a fantastic person and deserves it so much. Guess I let her down in a number of ways.

Though I said our relationship was the best thing about my life, I still didn’t stand up for her, Katie, when it came to it – and that’s my biggest regret. I should have told my dad not to come to that all-you-can-eat. I should have used my voice and stood up for my relationship. But I didn’t. I failed Katie. Time and again.

I guess that’s the most hurtful thing – Katie finished with me, but she was justified to do so. I have no reason accept the reasons I make up in my own head to be mad at her. Which is why I realise she doesn’t deserve some of the texts I’ve been sending her – where I blame her. She doesn’t deserve them one bit.

Anyway, I don’t deserve a second, third or fourth chance. I fucked up, and Katie deserves better. I don’t deserve to be with a girl if that’s the way I treat her sometimes. It breaks my heart to say it, but perhaps she’s justified to break up with me?

Perhaps it’s for “our” best, but we’ll never know cos she won’t let me prove to her that I have indeed changed. I’ve wrong all this... I KNOW I DID WRONG. I don’t plan to ever treat her like that again.

I say “her” because I refuse to give up on this relationship. I don’t know if it’s the awkward sore-loser talking, but I can’t let this relationship end. Not because I don’t want to accept defeat, but because of how good this relationship has the potential to be.

I love Katie to pieces, more than I’ve ever loved anybody before, or since. It’s so rare to be in a relationship that defines who you are as a human being. She brought out so many qualities in me that I never knew existed: loyalty, courage, confidence, endurance, devotion, a sense of longing, and most importantly of all, absolute love for another human being.

You don’t share these emotions with somebody and then just move on. If and when (on the rare, rare occasion you actually meet somebody to share these feelings with) you are with somebody and feel all those things that’s when you know that a relationship is worth fighting for. It’s worth being repeatedly shot down for (even if you deserve it!). It’s worth standing up for.

I did all those things, and it took so much out of me, but I soldiered on. For a while at least, until it came to the point where I gave up – for two solid weeks I gave up and let defeat in. And they were the worse two weeks of my life. Now I’m back to square one, fighting for the love of my life, my existence again.

But I’ve said too many things for her to forgive. I said she’d changed, when she hadn’t. I said she treated me like dirt. She didn’t. Hell, I said I wasn’t even sure I wanted her as a girlfriend. What a fucking lie, ‘cos I’ve never wanted anything more in my life!!!

I just wish there was some magical time machine that takes me back far enough so that I didn’t make the same mistakes again. Failing that I’d love for her to give me some sort of second chance: a fresh start as it were, so I could prove myself.

I wouldn’t go back into the relationship thinking everything was fine and dandy between us. I’d fight and fight to prove myself: that I have listened to everything she said and have taken it onboard and have become a new, better man because of it. I just wish I has this second, final, chance.

If they’re any gods reading, can you do me this favour? I wouldn’t let Katie down a second time. It kills me inside that I let her down the first time. Just wish that this emptiness would leave me. Since we broke up my life has become nothing. I miss her soooo much.

I’d do anything to get her back – including piss her off by sending too many texts! Seriously though, I’d do anything.

She tells me it’s over – I believe her. But just ‘cos something’s over doesn’t mean it’s over for good. Know what I mean? – ‘cos I sure as hell don’t!

Relationships are a funny thing, I guess, and I will always love Katie – for the sole reason she is who she is, and nobody else. If she doesn’t ever get back with me, a reality I must surely now face, I’m expected to move on “just like that”. Well, I can’t.

She’s too important.

I don’t want another girlfriend. Hell, I don’t want another girl like Katie. I want Katie, end of. She’s too important to move on from. She’s too gorgeous to forget. She’s too clever and funny and independent and reliable and loveable and huggable. I miss her, and that’s why I refuse to ever give up on “us”.

Some dreams are worth fighting for, I guess.

That’s all I’ve got left to say.
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