I think the reality of my break-up with Gabi has started to hit home today. All day long, I've been moping around the house, not quite wanting to do anything, or live experiences. I haven't even been all that bothered with my Fellow film project (see the blog entry immediately before this one). It's a strange, horrible sensation - that I'm mourning my relationship.
I've been here before, on break-up valley. First with...
Katie (in 2007)
Length of relationship - 17 months.
That time felt the most similar to this; as if I was mourning the loss of something more than a sexual relationship. I lost a good friend, who knew me better than anybody else, and I questioned if I'd ever have the same with anybody else ever again. It took me a long time to get over Katie, of course. If you've read the bloated history of this blog, then you'll know that for yourselves! In the process of trying to cope with the loss, I made contact with her and completely messed things up. I had no idea what to say! All I knew was, I wanted Katie back and I was pursuing her aggressively.
Hayley (in 2008)
Length of relationship - 2 kisses and 1 date
Not a girlfriend as such, but we kissed a few times and went on a date. We weren't really compatible, and she scared me off by telling me she had told her WHOLE FAMILY that we were now an item. I 'dumped' her, and didn't really look back.
She got pissed at me, and our friendship never truly recovered.
Clare (in 2008)
Length of relationship - 5 months
A mutual decision to break-up, even though it was Clare who had started to disengage with the relationship (a pattern?!) Afterwards, I messaged her saying we'd made a horrible mistake. But she didn't think so!! Actually, I think she was right. My love for her wasn't anywhere near as deep or meaningful as what I had with Katie. In fact, I think it wore off pretty quickly. Clare is the first girlfriend I missed not because of who they were, but the fact that after they left my life... I felt alone.
Tohko (in 2013)
Length of relationship - 7 months
Like Clare, I missed having somebody in my life, more than I missed the person. Truth be told, by the time Tohko dumped me for the final time (after 2 previous attempts) I was fully geared up for it. I knew it was coming, sooner rather than later, so stopped throwing my all into the relationship. Instead, when the break-up happened, I just moved on. Pretty quickly. There was still pain there - but for the reasons already stated.
Gabi (in 2015)
Length of relationship - 11 months
I don't think anything will ever top how difficult my break-up with Katie was. After all, it was the first time, and those emotions were still new to me. So far, this is the closest contender. Feels like I really have lost a part of me. Man, I loved that woman. And we really were great together!! Time will tell how I move on from here.