I feel a bit like a ship turning, gradually, until it faces a new direction.
The reinvention of me continues, slowly for now but I can feel things beginning to gain momentum. Today I spent the latter hours looking through my old Facebook messages, and deleting them all.
Some of these dated back to 2008. Reading them in 2015, it makes me cringe a little to see exactly how I behaved before, through what I wrote to others. I text my friend Dan that it's a little like recognising yourself, but at the same time being so disconnected that you can no longer fully understand those emotions or subsequent actions.
Mixed in were messages to ex-girlfriends, stuff about old staff events, catch-up conversations with old friends, and the occasional flirting with such-and-such girl.
My messages with my old friend Jack were revealing. Our friendship really fractured when he left the UK, as communication failed between me here and him there (in Indonesia). Aside from that, things felt a little one sided even before then - it always seemed to be me messaging him, and then me never getting much of a response back.
Jack isn't alone. The general trend of those messages is me doing the talking, and not hearing much back in reply. It really does make me think: how do people perceive me? If they don't message me back do they think I'm too over-eager? Do they resent those messages in the first place? Do they just wish I'd fuck off and leave them alone?!
It makes me want to adopt a new attitude - one where I don't bother half as much as I did before. I stop making effort with people, and let them come chase me. Why do I keep putting myself out there, and then find myself being rejected by their non-answers later on? I'm starting to think that silence is the best option. Maybe I need to go invisible, and stop living as visibly as I have been doing over the last 10 years or so?
Whatever the case, my Facebook is now clear of ALL my inbox messages, including those previously archived. Maybe by letting go of the past, my mind can look further ahead to the future and all that's to come.
Hopefully I'll be back to writing actual production updates again soon. Just have to get over this last hurdle of depression, and I think I'll be ready.