Tuesday, 18 August 2015

Escape

Continuing from where that last post left off:

Right now, I feel trapped in a horrible, insignificant routine. At least when I was working at the cinema I had stability - in Gabi, and my home life. There was a purpose behind my waking up every day, because I was working and socialising, and actually doing something with my life. Now it just feels like I wake up, to go downstairs, loiter around my family for a bit and then... nothing substantial.

For the first time, I'm looking back at resigning and leaving London as a mistake. I mean, I haven't actually done anything with myself since leaving - except put my life on hold, and add a stupid amount of stress onto myself, and Gabi (and looked what happened there)

I need action! I should get up, and go do something. It's part of the reason why I'm looking at part-time jobs and also learning to drive - just to get me out of the house! Words can't describe how bored shitless I am here, every day, living this non-existence.

Part of me wonders if that's enough though. Can I do more? Should I move back to London, and make a go of things there again? It was never my intention to move away permanently anyway - and I do miss the place. But then again... it's expensive, and I'm jobless. I can't really let myself be tied down there in my current set of circumstances.

Do I try and write more? That's easier said than done. I have ideas, and I want to write... but then, there's my mood. Since me and Gabi went up the shitter, I've lacked a motivation to create. I know I should, and that it's for my best - but I feel a little hollow inside at the minute, and that translates that my mind can't commit pen to paper and do what I need it to do.

What about Gabi? Do I try and rekindle things there? I think the option has been taken out of my hands. She isn't interested anymore, and has moved on. I haven't contacted her in almost two weeks, to give us both space, as things were getting a little too complicated with us maintaining contact so heavily post break up. I'll speak to her again, of course. Just for now there needs to be no contact for a while.

All in then, my best option is to find this mythical part time job, and begin afresh from there. It's frustrating still, as it's not my dreams - but in the long run, if I learn to drive, I can apply for runners positions so it might just work out for the best.

For now, until that job materialises, I continue this mundane existence - by surviving, and dreaming of escaping any way I can.
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