Tuesday, 18 August 2015

How'd I Get Here?

It feels like I'm in such a horrible place in my life. Before I go on, I should say upfront that this post is marred by frustrations, and is cast under a huge shadow of depression - the like of which I rarely see these days.

What's happened to my life? I'm silently asking myself this, over and over. It feels as though I've fallen from a great height, and hit rock bottom. I look back on everything that I had before, and I can't comprehend how I went from that, to this.

I know, of course, that I partially chose this course I'm now set on. It started back in February, when I chose to resign from the cinema. That choice sparked a wave of change that has gradually seen me transform into this.

I resigned.

Then!

I work an extra long notice period - of three months. All that time I'm job hunting (of I'm suppose to be...) but to no avail.

Then!

I visit Manchester with Gabi. It isn't the greatest of visits. She's bombarded by family members, and it's all very loud.

Then!

Gabi starts to have doubts about whether she wants that sort of family life. It mixes in with her anxieties over me not having a secured job in the future.

Then!

Gabi starts being distant with me, which I pick up. I'm suddenly nervous about the relationship.

Then!

The relationship erupts! I say the wrong thing, and Gabi runs away for the weekend thinking we've split up. When she returns we patch things up as best we can; but things are different now.

Then!

I leave my cinema job.

Then!

I pack up my room, and leave Shepherds Bush.

Then!

I move back to Manchester, to job hunt from my parent's house (and making Fellow in the process)

Then!

Me and Gabi continue our strained, now long distance relationship. We survive off texts and Facebook messages, which don't always translate like either one of us wants them to.

Then!

Me and Gabi argue more. Then more. I visit London for 4 days, but it isn't enough to save the relationship.

Then!

We break up.

Then!

We maintain contact, but still end up disagreeing about the relationship.

Then!

Filming on Fellow concludes. I continue my job hunting, becoming more and more bored of life at home.

Then!

I have enough of Gabi's mean spirited responses, and decide to let things cool down a while between us, and stop contact.

Then!

I wonder if I've done the right thing.

So...

I'm suddenly single, jobless and homeless.

***

I'm going to get a part time job, and learn to drive. Once I've done so it gives me a greater freedom when applying for TV/Film jobs. It also means I don't eat into my savings quite as much as I have been doing!
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